04.10.2003 12:32 pm

I Don't Know What To Do

he called me last night a little before midnight and said he had something important to tell me, but he couldn't tell me yet. i asked why and he said because his parents were around. i was tired bc i went to the jazz concerts and then hung out for a little bit afterwards, but i still stayed on the phone bc i really wanted to hear his voice and he had said it was important. like half an hour passes and then he goes in his room. i asked if he was alone and he said yeah and i tried to get him to tell me what it was and he kept telling me to hold on or he wouldn't respond and junk. i guess i should have known it was something bad from the get-go. he kept holding it off and then he waited a really long time and said "so what do you think i have to tell you?" and i said "well, it must not be good bc you haven't told me yet". i ask him what it is again and then he tells me to hold on bc he's watching tv. i'm like wtf . . . and getting tired even though i want to be talking to him. i ask him again and he finally answers and says "i found something out yesterday . . . i talked to one of my friends . . . i haven't talked to her in a couple months" and he stops there. i'm thinking "that's it? what's the big idea?" so i ask him about their friendship and junk and he basically says "well she's three months pregnant" :o( and he said it so normal like it's no big deal and junk so i ask "are you the father?" and he's like "well yeah . . . we think so" :o( and then he keeps talking about how she's mad at him for some reason and he doesn't even know why. and then i tried to ask him about the baby and what he's gonna do and tried to make him feel better even though he was displaying no emotion at all. i couldn;t tell if he was happy or sad or anything. he hasn't told his parents yet or his sis and i asked him when he was going to and he said he's not and then changed to "i don't know" and i said they have a right to know about their grandkid. i was trying so freakin hard to make him feel better. i asked him how long they were dating and he completely ignored it and we sat in silence. and then i realized either he cheated on her with me or had thoughts about it or he cheated on me with her even though we were just talking. either way, he knew us at the same time and he knew that i wanted a relationship with him. i literally told him that more than once.

i can deal with a baby or i could at least like call things off between me and him so he can try to work things out with her. like we could still be friends. but he . . . i don't know. it's like all of these times he's told me that he loved me means nothing. and i still love him. i really do, i just don't like the way he lied to me, the way he told me about all of this, and the way that he seemed to have no emotion whatsoever. we ended the call with us sitting on the phone in silence for like ten minutes . . . me crying and junk and him sleeping.

i want to say i hate him, but i don't. i still love him.

~*BlueStarLoser

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