03.11.04 12:41 pm

i hate donnie. BUT in other news . . . me and BR are doing well but having issues. i don't know if we should just stay friends or what. it just seems like trying to start a relationship is too much trouble and i don't want to have to deal with my sis being upset and upsetting some of my friends and stuff. grr . . . he's just so freakin sweet and we have a lot in common. we both love Ella, can talk about sports together, were in band in hs, had to deal with DM crap, go to the bball games and go crazy in the stands, want/need to move out of the house, actually like UTSA to a certain extent, have a passion over NY, like the same tv shows, have mixed emotions on religion and politics, have had the same problems in past relationships, know a lot of the same people, etc. it just goes on and on. grr. it just makes me so mad that what happened last year had to happen. it is so messed up. and i don't know who's telling me the truth and who's overexaggerating or flat out lying to me. i've heard both sides of the story and they overlap a lot, but drift a lot too. i just wish we could all just start over, but it's not that easy. i REALLY don't want her mad at me even though we don't talk now, but i've found someone who i connect with and i don't want to ruin this either.

whenever i'm with him, i'm always thinking "she would be pissed if she saw us together" and other things along those lines. it's weird. me and her were so close last year and she got her bf and kind of ditched me. and i would call every now and then or see them on campus together, but i wouldn't want to interrupt. it's still like that now. like i hardly ever see her and when i do, she's with him and i feel like it wouldn't be appropriate if i even went to sit with them for a little bit. i mean, what would i say? she was one of my closest friends and now all i could say is "how are your classes?" nothing's the same. this is so fucked up. this is why i don't let girls get that close to me. if they date someone or talk to them, then the guys are dropped off the list of eligible men completely.

it's especially hard since i met him through her when they were just friends. he says that he was really interested in me the whole time. like after she introduced me to him, he went to talk to his friends and made some comment about me and his friends told him to go talk to me, but i was already gone or something like that. i don't know if i believe that. he had other chances to talk to me and why did he ever go on a date with her? i don't know. i do know that i love the time that i spend with him. we've been trying to "do coffee" which hasn't completely worked, but i had my first miniature golfing date with him and went to Krispy Kreme to just sit and talk and went to Barnes and Noble to walk around and talk and it was pretty freakin enjoyable. he even came over and we watched my 4-6 shows together (Judge Judy, Jeopardy, King of the Hill, and the Simpsons) and that went well. and yesterday we hung out during his break on campus and that was cool. i just really like being around him. in a way, i think i just like his friendship when we're together, but i actually find myself missing him. like not missing him as a friend.

~*BlueStarLoser

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